


The Gilderoy Lockhart Show

by VerityGrahams



Series: Ballycastle Bats - QLFC - Season 6 - Chaser 3 [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Ballycastle Bats, F/M, Funny, Round 1, Snily, Talk Shows, The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition, Written for a competition, prompts used
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-07 00:12:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14659143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VerityGrahams/pseuds/VerityGrahams
Summary: The WWN presents its premier talk show; 'The Gilderoy Lockhart Show' with guest, Severus Snape, but why is he on the show? What does his wife have to tell him? (AU) for The Quidditch League FanFiction Competition, round 1! Ballycastle Bats for the win!





	The Gilderoy Lockhart Show

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I do not own Harry Potter
> 
> Written for the Quidditch League FanFiction Competition, Ballycastle Bats, Chaser 3.
> 
> Beta Read by most of my team, The Ballycastle Bats, particularly Saturnine Spiders, you helped to make this Fic as funny as it is!
> 
> Prompt: Write about a theme you have never written about before - Divorce
> 
> Optional Prompts: 15 - AU Talk show, 4 - Divorce, 12 - 'A fit, healthy body - that is the greatest fashion statement'
> 
> Word count: 1,861

The Gilderoy Lockhart Show

Gilderoy Lockhart: Hello all, it's Gilderoy Lockhart here, on WWN's 'The Gilderoy Lockhart Show,' sponsored by Sleekeazy's Hair Potion, turning your wild mane into smooth, silky, sultry locks, just like mine!

*Applause*

Gilderoy Lockhart: I know, I have to try for all the wonderful listeners at home, and those that came out to see me help those in need of a little bit of sage advice! We have a special show for you today ladies and gentlemen; today I am sat with a rather special wizard, he's a potions genius, renowned Legilimens and Occlumens, and the writer of a new potions text: 'Ensnaring the Senses'. Severus Snape!"

Severus Snape: Hn.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Now, Severus— may I call you Severus?

Severus Snape: Absolutely not.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Severus then, I have to say I was impressed by your book, being something of a potions expert myself, I think you did an admirable job. I was going to release a book myself, but I didn't want to overshadow a fellow writer, we must work together sometime, yes?

Severus Snape:…

Gilderoy Lockhart: I was aghast to hear you are an accomplished Legilimens, correct?

Severus Snape: Indeed…

Gilderoy Lockhart: Feel free to show off and have a gander, tell the audience what is going on in this fabulous head of mine.

*A long pause*

Severus Snape: My, my, this has never happened before. It seems there is nothing going on inside that 'fabulous head' of yours.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Don't be ashamed, Severus; I have rather strong barriers to keep my mind quite safe I assure you. But, not to fear ladies and gentlemen, better men have failed.

Severus Snape:… obviously *eye roll*

Gilderoy Lockhart: Now, Severus, my friend, am I to understand correctly, you don't know why you are here today?

Severus Snape: I often insult dunderheads like yourself, though I have no idea what I did to deserve this.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Oh, you don't mean that. Now, why don't you tell us about your beautiful wife?

Severus Snape: Must I?

Gilderoy Lockhart: Of course, this is why we are here is it not?

Severus Snape: I wouldn't know.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Surely even the sourpuss Severus Snape can gush about his true love? You do love your wife, don't you?

Severus Snape: And what exactly would be the point of marrying a ginger Gryffindor if one did not love them?

Gilderoy Lockhart: Do I have it on good authority that the one and only Albus Dumbledore once asked you what you would be willing to do to keep Lily Evans safe? And do you know what Severus said, ladies and gentlemen? *whispers* I'm going to pause for dramatic effect.

Severus Snape: *Eye roll*

Gilderoy Lockhart: He said… anything! How romantic! Now Severus, when did you first know Lily Evans was the one for you?

Severus Snape: It's Lily Snape, actually.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Oh, don't you worry Severus, I'm not going to steal your beautiful bride!

Severus Snape: Oh, thank Merlin for that!

Gilderoy Lockhart: Never fear Severus, never fear!

Severus Snape: Are we done?

Gilderoy Lockhart: Do you know what we do on this little show, Severus?

Severus Snape: No, I have self-respect, unlike you.

Gilderoy Lockhart: You know, no one told me you had such a good sense of humour.

Severus Snape:…

Gilderoy Lockhart: Here, we help people fix the problems in their romantic lives; there is no greater calling than bringing love to the world, am I right ladies and gentlemen?

*Applause and girlish screams of adoration rang through the crowd*

Severus Snape:…

Gilderoy Lockhart: I would like you all to give a very warm welcome to Lily Snape, ladies and gentlemen!

*Applause filled the room again, as a dainty red head walked out*

Gilderoy Lockhart: Good morning, my Lily. You're positively glowing. My, Severus, you are one lucky man.

Lily Snape: Thank you…

Severus Snape: Whatever I did, I'm sorry, I don't know what I could have possibly done to warrant this, but surely it wasn't that bad?

Lily Snape:…

Gilderoy Lockhart: Now Severus, my dear friend, Lily has brought you here today because she wants to tell you something. Isn't that right Lily?

Lily Snape: *nods wide-eyed*

Severus Snape: Are you… you know? *motions to her stomach* Cause that's what they do here right? And he said you were glowing, people tell pregnant women they are glowing, and this is a rare occasion when this idiot knows more than me, and he said you were glowing!

Gilderoy Lockhart: I think, Lily, that it is time to tell Severus why you brought him here today.

Lily Snape: I'm not… glowing.

Severus Snape: Then why are we on this sorry excuse for a show?

Lily Snape: *strangled sob*

Gilderoy Lockhart: Lily, would I be right in saying, that today, you needed my help to ask Severus' forgiveness? *patting Lily's leg patronisingly*

Lily Snape: *nods nervously*

Severus Snape: You can't have done anything worse than bringing me on this ridiculous radio show, right, Lily?

Lily Snape: Sev...

*she reaches to grasp his hand*

Lily Snape: I made a huge mistake!

Severus Snape: I know, we are on the Gilderoy Lockhart Show, there isn't anything worse! Is there?

Gilderoy Lockhart: Lily fell for your wonderful sense of humour, didn't she?

Severus Snape: Would you mind keeping your insignificant thoughts in that big gap between your ears, for just a moment?

Lily Snape: I'm starting to see that coming here was just about the worst way to handle things...

Gilderoy Lockhart:...

Severus Snape: Lily? What is it?

Lily Snape: I- I did something you may not forgive...

Severus Snape: I would forgive you for anything, Lily, I love you. Always.

*the crowd cooed*

Lily Snape: *rolls her eyes*

Gilderoy Lockhart: Severus, Lily has taken a Veritaserum test!

*the crowd cheer*

Gilderoy Lockhart: I know, I know, it's exciting. Severus, it isn't often that someone chooses to take Veritaserum, I would say this is a mark of Lily's true love and devotion for you Severus.

*Severus and Lily ignoreing Lockhart*

Lily Snape: I'm sorry I brought you here - it seemed like a great idea at the time.

Severus Snape: Did you have a temporary bout of insanity dearest?

Lily Snape: I am starting to suspect so. *Smiles weakly, holding Severus' hand*

Severus Snape: You don't have to take truth serum, Lily, I would always believe you.

Gilderoy Lockhart: Whipped!

*murmur of laughter from the crowd*

*Lily glares at Lockhart*

Severus Snape: Lily, can you just tell me, if I have to stay here much longer I am likely to end up in Azkaban for ramming that microphone down Lockhart's throat!

*Gilderoy gulps and holds on to the microphone tightly*

Lily Snape: I- I can't say it! *Severus pulls her into an embrace*

*The crowd coos loudly*

Severus Snape: It will be ok, I promise.

*Lily smiles slightly, nodding*

Gilderoy Lockhart: I think it's time Severus heard the questions we asked Lily earlier, for any new listeners, we administer truth serums according to Ministry Regulations thus making it impossible for the test to be hoodwinked! *Gilderoy winks at the audience*

*A witch faints in the front row*

Gilderoy Lockhart: Never fear, I can have that effect on the ladies. Now onto the first question, we asked Lily: _Have you ever been unfaithful to your husband?_

*Severus' embrace loosens slightly*

Lily Snape: Please, just listen to the whole story...

Gilderoy Lockhart: I can confirm ladies and gentlemen, that Lily has been unfaithful!

*The audience gasps*

Lily Snape: I'm sorry, Sev, I'm so, so sorry! Just listen, please.

Severus Snape:…

*Severus removes his embrace completely*

Lily Snape: Please, say something!

Severus Snape: I thought I was supposed to listening to the whole story, _dearest._

Gilderoy Lockhart: I think Severus needs to hear the next question, don't you ladies and gentlemen?

*Cheers*

*Severus growls in frustration*

Gilderoy Lockhart: Next, we asked Lily: _Have you been physically intimate with another man?_

*the audience gasps*

Gilderoy Lockhart: I know, it breaks my heart to see love thrown away so carelessly.

*Lockhart dabs away an imaginary tear*

Lily Snape:… Sev, please, It meant nothing! You have to listen to my side!

*Severus stands, pacing the stage*

Lily Snape: Please, say something!

Severus Snape: 'It meant nothing?' Are you serious? You get all 'hot and heavy' with someone else, and you say; ' _It meant nothing?_ ' How can it? What did you do? Oral, hands only, did you go all the way?

Gilderoy Lockhart: Severus, I understand this is a difficult moment for you, but this is a family-friendly show, I need to ask limit your suggestive language.

Severus Snape: For once in your pathetic life, shut the *bleep* up!

Gilderoy Lockhart: Well, I am delighted to inform you, Severus, Lily has had a physical relationship with another man!

*Severus turns on Lockhart, who runs and hides behind a stage hand*

Lily Snape: I promise, I never had sex, I would never let it go that far. I never even wanted it to happen, it just did, I was just so angry, and I did something stupid! Please believe me.

*Gilderoy leans out from behind the stagehand*

Gilderoy Lockhart: That is a question Lily requested, and I can confirm, she never actually had sexual intercourse-

Severus Snape: Oh thank bloody Merlin for that, you let him touch you… everywhere, but you didn't let him _inside_ you. Oh, what restraint you have shown!

Lily Snape: Did you ever stop to think what might drive me to this?

Severus Snape: And you thought telling me like this would help your case? You're a dunderhead like all the other Gryffindors...

*Snape sneers*

Gilderoy Lockhart: The final qu-

Severus Snape: *bleep* off Lockhart, say one more thing and I will ram it up your backside!

*Gilderoy hides behind the stagehand again*

Severus Snape: Why then?

Lily Snape: Because you were never there! You're _so_ focused on becoming Severus Snape; the greatest potioner! You're completely consumed with the idea of showing those you hate the most, that you are better than them, better than what they said you were! So focused on that, you practically forgot you had a wife!

Severus Snape: Bettering myself? That is a legitimate reason for you to fornicate with some random man?

*Lily backs away eyes wide*

Lily Snape: WE JUST COVERED THIS; THERE WAS NO FORNICATION!

Severus Snape: Who, Lily?

Lily Snape: What's the point...

*Severus stalks over to his wife*

Severus Snape: WHO?

Lily Snape: James…

Severus Snape: James? James Potter!

Lily Snape: *nods*

Severus Snape: What the *bleep*! Was Sirius Black busy, or was Remus Lupin too hairy for you?

Lily Snape: I swear, it meant nothing!

*Severus turns and walks away*

Lily Snape: Severus Snape, where are you going?

Severus Snape: To start the divorce proceedings!

Lily Snape: Please, Sev, wait! We can sort this out... *runs after Severus*

Gilderoy Lockhart: *checks for Severus' presence and comes from behind the stagehand back to the main stage*

Gilderoy Lockhart: And there you have it, a tale of love and loss, but never fear listeners, we have experts on hand to help the Snape's, should they want to repair this rift. I leave you, as usual, with my final thoughts, it seems as though Lily and Severus have lost touch with what really matters in their marriage… love!

*Crowd applauses*

Gilderoy Lockhart: Yes, I know, it's very sad listeners, very sad, sometimes in marriage, it's the simplest things that would make all the difference, would Severus be more willing to forgive if Lily hadn't let herself go? Would Lily have strayed had Severus been more attentive to himself? I am often asked about my fashion, my charm, my natural good looks, and the best advice I can give anyone is, 'A fit, healthy body - that is the best fashion statement' that and Sleekeazy's Hair Range, which The Gilderoy Lockhart show is going to be giving a years supply to Severus Snape in the hopes it helps to mend the rift in his marriage!

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Thanks for reading - please comment or Kudos
> 
> I got 9/10 for this and 9 bonus points for my optional prompts. I have made changes based on constructive Critism - Lily is hopefully more in character; they felt she came off weak and pathetic rather than a strong woman. I have tried to improve this, but I still wanted to keep elements for humour, and I felt some of it would be realistic for the situation. One comma splice was fixed. I also removed a lot of Snape's swearing - while amusing I agreed it seemed a bit OOC, and so only kept one or two.


End file.
